Really not looking forward to school tonight. Only done half the homework, feel lousy, and last week...well, last week I behaved like a total **** div>
Sometimes it's like the world comes into such sharp focus that everything hurts. Lights are too bright, and they hum. Voices are too loud; laughter is like a spike through my head. I can feel every fibre and stitch in my clothes, and it hurts. I just need it to stop and be quiet and retreat.

When this happens in the middle of a class...I have nowhere to go. I struggled on, becoming increasingly upset and stimming like mad. Biting my hands, drumming my feet, rocking. I couldn't stop it. Times like that, I think my shrink had his head up his behind, telling me that I am too well-adjusted and sociable to be an Aspie despite my scores on the AQ and EQ tests.

Well. It was inevitable. I snapped. Literally. At my closest friend in class, sitting there right next to me. She was only trying to help, showing me which page we were on and where to find it in the totally out-of-order sheets of paper that comprise our revision book. "YES! ALL RIGHT!!" I screamed. Oooh. Everyone's gone very quiet all of a sudden. And they're all looking at me.

Shut down for a few minutes. Couldn't talk to Nicole. Couldn't look at her. Couldn't handle sitting next to her. Had to move across the classroom to sit next to my oral exam partner and somehow have a discussion about a cultural evening we were putting on, what food and drink to have, what folk-type entertainment, what budget.

I did it. I'm used to acting a part. I did it every time I appeared in court, every time I negotiated a settlement, every time I took part in a case conference. Do it long enough and it becomes second nature.

Still feeling lousy about it. She sent me a message through Facebook about it, and I replied. Apologised profusely. I am still ashamed of myself and I don't really want to have to go back tonight and face her, even though I know it will be forgotten about. She signed off 'Your friend, Nicole'.

I am such a clusterfornication sometimes, I really am. There are times when I just shouldn't be allowed out in public.

It upset her. It upset me. It didn't achieve anything. It disrupted the entire class.

I'm sure that when I get there all will be well. I just am dreading the initial few minutes of awkwardness. I'm sitting here with my stomach tied up in knots, feeling lousy and humiliated and I haven't even left yet.

*sigh*

Ah well. Sitting here kicking lumps out of myself isn't going to help, is it?