Post ImageI do love Terry Pratchett. If I could be any character in any book ever written, I would want to be Esmerelda Weatherwax, just for a couple of hours. 


Granny Weatherwax is very big on headology. This is, more or less, similar to psychology. Only with a bit more gumption and a lot less wishy-washiness. 


A long time ago, near the beginning of my blog, I wrote about where I felt my battles with my weight had begun, and the impact on a psychological level of being 'the big one' for much of my late childhood and all of my adult life (with the exception of a few brief months when I was within a stone of my ultimate goal weight at age 19 or 20.)


My mum was always supportive. However, as a family it is considered a term of endearment to roundly insult and tease one another. I mean, one of my family nicknames was 'Skinny'! And not when I was, either! News that I had started a new diet would be met with cries of 'What, another one? How long will this one last?' Unsurprisingly, I kept the current attempt quiet for a fair while. My brother knows how much I've lost, but I don't think he will really appreciate it until he sees me in April. I suspect he will be shocked!


School was hard. I was bullied, a lot. For more than just my weight. Being English in a small village school in the Scottish Highlands is not easy, or it wasn't thirty years ago. Being shy didn't help. Neither did being taller and lankier than everyone else bar one boy who is today 6' 8 1/2! That's a whole foot taller than me; I have a photo somewhere where he is barely two inches taller than I was at the time. 


As a consequence, I was very quiet. My opinion was not wanted, not welcome. I didn't fit in. Now I know that a lot of my social awkwardness is due to some of the personality traits I have and some Asperger's traits that are knocking around. Socially, I am awkward. Always will be. I am a lot better than I was, largely because I've learned to live with them. New people and situations still frighten me, but I think a lot of people are like that. I am not in any way unique in that respect.


Today, a lot of people on this site regard me as being an inspiration. I've lost a fair bit of weight. I am happy to weigh in with an opinion on the plan, give advice on what works for me, tips I've picked up from others and just general observations on WW and life. I am much more confident than I once was. I know that I have worth, that I deserve to be happy, deserve to reach my goal weight. But still there is that voice in my head that occasionally says 'What do you know? You're just a fraud, a big fat fake. You'll never make it to goal, you'll get bored and give up just like you did every time before.'


Normally, I don't give that voice headspace. My brain is clogged up with enough 'stuff'' as it is, thanks all the same. I am still insecure. I still get that sense that any minute now I am going to be found out and people will realise that the Empress is wearing no clothes. 


I am a heck of an actress when I want to be. I am often described as 'bubbly'. 'Brash' has been used before. It takes me a while to get to know people, sometimes a long while, and not many people have the patience to bother face to face. I don't invite myself to parties or ask to join in social situations. I think I am still afraid of being laughed at and told outright that I am not wanted. 


Apparently I am worth making the effort to get to know, though. I still have trouble believing that.


I think this afternoon was just a crisis of confidence sort of thing. I haven't fallen off the wagon, I just had a few moments of feeling incredibly low and couldn't scrape my self-esteem off the floor.


Thanks to those of you who helped. You did more for me than you maybe realise. 


Anyway - I'm back in fighting form, ready to p rod buttock* against the flab and storm the ramparts of Goal!


*I can't say a-s-s, whether it be another name for a donkey or not!